Widowed and Dating in Canada: A Word for the Men

Most of what is written about being widowed is written for women, and there is a reason for that: there are more widows than widowers, so that is where the attention goes. But men who lose a wife face a version of it that has its own shape, and it is worth talking about directly.

If you are a widower reading this, some of what follows may be uncomfortably familiar.

She Probably Ran the Social Side

In a great many marriages of a certain generation, one person kept the friendships going. Remembered the birthdays, arranged the dinners, kept in touch with the couples you saw, knew what was happening with everyone's children.

If that was her, then losing her cost you the social world as well, and the drop-off is often startling. The invitations thin out. The couples you saw as a four do not quite know what to do with a three. Within a year a lot of widowers find themselves considerably more isolated than they expected, and often without having noticed it happening.

That is not a personal failing and it is extremely common. It also means that when men in this position start dating again, what they are frequently short of is not romance but company of any kind, which is worth being honest with yourself about before you start.

The Bit Men Are Worst At

Saying they would like some.

Canadian men of this generation were not, on the whole, brought up to name that sort of thing, and the result is a lot of widowers who wait to be invited rather than doing any inviting. Friends, meanwhile, are often waiting for a signal that you are ready and worried about intruding if they get it wrong.

The same applies here. Nobody on this site is going to think less of you for saying you would like somebody to have dinner with. It is the single most common thing people are looking for and saying it plainly puts you ahead of most of the inbox.

What Women Your Age Are Actually Looking For

Worth knowing, because a lot of widowers assume wrongly. Very few women in their sixties and seventies are looking to take on a caring role again, particularly if they have just come out of one themselves. What most say they want is somebody who is decent company, manages his own life, and is easy to be around.

So the pitch is not that you need somebody. The pitch is that you are good company. If you have been managing on your own for a while, that is quietly reassuring rather than sad.

Practical, Because That Is How Most Men Prefer It

Write a profile in plain language. What you did for work, what you do now, where you like to be on a Saturday. Put up a photo taken in the last two years where you look like yourself.

Then message somebody, ask about something they actually wrote, and suggest a coffee within a week or so if the conversation is going anywhere. Daytime, somewhere public, an hour. That is genuinely the whole method and it works.

The First Coffee

Most widowers report the same thing afterwards: the dread beforehand was far worse than the hour itself, and what surprised them was how normal it felt to be having an ordinary conversation with an adult again. Not romantic, necessarily. Just normal, which is a thing you can go a long time without noticing you have lost.

That first one is the only genuinely hard one. Mature singles gives the broader picture if you want it, and dating over 60 speaks to the same decade.

Wanting company again is the most ordinary thing in the world. Join free.