Widowed and Dating in Australia: Somebody Who Has Been Through It, or Somebody Who Has Not?

Here is a question that comes up once people start actually looking, and almost nobody thinks about it in advance. Would you rather meet another widow or widower, or somebody who has not been through it at all?

Most people assume the answer is obvious. It is not, and both have real advantages, so it is worth thinking about before you set your search.

The Case for Somebody Who Understands

The appeal is immediate. You do not have to explain. They know what the first Christmas is like, why a particular song is a problem, and why some days arrive sideways for no visible reason. Nothing has to be translated.

There is also an equality to it. Neither of you is the one with the sad history, because you both have one, and that removes a dynamic a lot of widowed people quietly dread: being somebody's project.

And practically, they will not be threatened by the photographs on the mantelpiece or by you mentioning a name at dinner, because their house has photographs too.

The Case for Somebody Who Has Not

Less obvious and worth hearing.

Somebody who has not been widowed brings no weather of their own. Two people who are both grieving can occasionally amplify each other, or find that a relationship becomes largely about loss rather than about the two of them. A partner without that history sometimes offers something lighter, and a good many people find that is exactly what they wanted without knowing it.

They can also be entirely capable of understanding without having lived it. Plenty of divorced people know a great deal about loss. So do people who have nursed a parent, or lost a sibling, or simply have the imagination to grasp what they have not experienced.

What Actually Matters More Than Either

Whether they are comfortable with your past being present.

That is the real dividing line, and it has nothing to do with their own history. Some people, widowed or not, are entirely relaxed about a late spouse being mentioned, remembered, and having a photograph up. Others get quietly competitive with a person who is not there, which is unwinnable for everybody.

You will know which you are dealing with within a few conversations, and it is worth paying attention early rather than hoping it resolves.

Saying What You Want on Your Profile

You are allowed to state a preference. "I would like to meet somebody who has been through something similar" is a perfectly reasonable line and it will find its people. So is saying nothing about it and seeing who turns up.

What tends not to work is deciding in advance and then not saying so, which leaves everyone guessing.

Distance, and Not Ruling People Out

One practical note for Australia specifically. If you are in a regional town or a coastal one, the pool of people in your exact position within twenty minutes is going to be small, and setting a tight radius will convince you there is nobody at all.

Widen it considerably. An hour or two is a pleasant drive, most people at this stage have time on a weekday, and an overnight somewhere nice turns a first meeting into a small trip rather than an errand. A great many of the connections that work here started well outside somebody's original search area.

Mature singles is the wider view, and dating over 60 may be closer to your own stage.

Both answers are right. See which one you actually want. Join free.