Widowed and Dating: When the Grieving Started Long Before

There is a particular version of losing someone that gets talked about far too little, and a great many people reading this will recognise it immediately. The illness went on for years. You became a carer before you became a widow or widower, and by the time it ended you had already been saying goodbye for a very long while.

If that was your experience, dating again sits differently than most advice assumes. And almost nobody writes about it, so let us.

The Clock Did Not Start When the Funeral Did

People around you tend to measure from the date on the certificate. You are measuring from something much earlier: the diagnosis, the day the conversations changed, the year it became clear how this would go.

That means when a friend says "it has only been eight months", they are not counting the same thing you are. You may have done a great deal of your grieving already, in a hospital corridor or a front room with a hospital bed in it. Some people who cared for a partner for years find they are ready for company sooner than anybody expects, and then feel guilty about being ready, which is a rotten thing to add on top.

There is no correct interval and nobody outside your own life gets a vote. If you find yourself curious about company again, that curiosity is information, not a betrayal.

Being Tired Is Not the Same as Not Wanting Anyone

The other thing years of caring leaves behind is exhaustion, and it can masquerade as disinterest.

A lot of people come out of a long caring role assuming they want to be left alone, when what they actually want is to not be needed for a while. Those are different. Wanting nobody to depend on you is entirely compatible with wanting somebody to have lunch with.

That distinction is worth holding on to, because it changes what you are looking for. Plenty of members here are not after another person to look after. They want easy company, adult conversation, and somebody who does not require anything of them beyond turning up. That is a completely legitimate thing to want and there is no shortage of people wanting the same.

What to Say, and How Much

You do not owe anybody the full account, particularly not early. "I lost my husband a couple of years ago" is a complete sentence and most people will take it at that.

If and when you want to say more, you will find you are often talking to somebody who has been through something similar, because a good proportion of people dating in their fifties, sixties and seventies have. That tends to make the conversation easier rather than heavier, and it is one of the quiet advantages of dating within your own age group rather than outside it.

Starting Small

The format that suits almost everybody here is a coffee in the afternoon, an hour, somewhere you already know. It is easy to arrange, easy to leave, and it costs nothing much if it turns out you were not quite ready after all. There is no prize for making a bigger occasion of it.

And nothing at all obliges you to go further than that. Plenty of people join, read a few profiles, and do nothing for months before sending a first message. Looking around costs nothing and commits you to nothing.

One Thing Worth Knowing Before You Look

Almost everybody who joins in your position expects to find a site full of people looking for a great romance, and then feels out of step because that is not what they want. In practice the opposite is true. The most common thing people here say they are after is straightforward company, and a good many members are widowed themselves.

You will not be the odd one out. If you want a sense of who else is around, mature singles covers the wider picture, and dating over 60 may sit closer to your own decade.

Whenever it feels right, and not a day before. Join free and have a look.